Blow It Out

So let me set the scene for you all. It’s Friday night/ Saturday morning and I’m home alone(not lonely; there’s a difference), and enjoying my rekindled romance with my girl Mary Jane. And oh we we’re going hot and heavy.

No, I don’t swim in the lady pond (well not since college). Some of you might have guessed. Yep, I smoke weed. Let’s have a moment of silence for  your judgments.

Done? Ok, moving on!

Weed helps me deal and process my feelings in a way I’ve never done before. I’m able to be honest with myself about how I’m feeling, instead of the made up excuses I give to easily dismiss why I’ve suddenly got my panties in a knot or why when you told me to shut the door, I spazzed out. Before I’d tell you that you didn’t need to tell me to shut the door, because I don’t like being told what to do (even though I love to control errthing). Now I can say, “you know, when you told me on Tuesday that I was being selfish, that really bothered me, and I’m getting mad now, because I’d been bottling it up inside.” In other words, it helps me to direct my emotions at what I’m actually emotional about instead of not doing the work to figure out why I’m feeling the way I am (aka emotional laziness).

Now back to the night at hand, on this night I was smoking and organizing (one of my favorite smoking enhanced activities) and I started to think to myself that I wasn’t such a crappy adult like I thought I was. And once these thoughts start, they will not stop until I figure out a solution. Yes, sometimes I’d rather buy 15 random things from IKEA instead of paying to get my oil changed, but what about all the things I have been on top of. And no, I don’t call people as much as I think I should, but I talk to them and they insure me time and time again that there are no hurt feelings, so that’s enough. Without smoking every once in a while ( 1 x week), I have destructive thoughts that aren’t based in reality and eventually those thoughts build up so much that I start to believe them and create my own ideas about how people think of me.

I know this sounds crazy to some, but if you really think about it, don’t we all have destructive thoughts that influence our future actions? Take for instance a friend I have. This friend will get super defensive over small things, but not all small things, and I was trying to see what the common thread between those things were. Turns out, she thought compared to everyone else, she wasn’t doing well in life, but to look at how far she’s come, she’s done amazing. But she didn’t see that. She would look at other people’s posts on social media and think how much everyone else had their life together, because she was comparing her life to others. She wasn’t able to clearly think that we all have our own unique paths that leads to riches (not necessarily monetarily), but we must walk our own paths and not compare to receive those gifts.

Through my experiences with marijuana, I was able to tap into my subconscious feelings about myself and take away all the negativity and instead think of a positive forward thinking mantra that would allow me to still keep my sanity. I also realized exactly how much life is equations to me (since I’ve always loved math. 1 + 1 is never going to switch up on you and equal 3, like people or situations might change). It’s just who I am and I needed to find a way to even accept something as small as this and make it work for me.

But in order for MJ to truly work its magic, you have to treat yourself like you might a small child. If a child spilled his cup, would you tell him that he’s always screwing up? No! So why do we do the same things to ourselves? We can look at a child and encourage them with all of the things they’ve done right, but fail to do the same for ourselves.

It’s time to start treating ourselves with kid’s gloves (not victim gloves) in order to develop a positive self-esteem and then it’ll become second nature. Do you have to smoke? Absolutely not. But it sure did help me. And maybe your issues with MJ are more about perception than reality, but that’s a subject for another day.




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