…. And One to Grow On

Year 27 developed the moment my own realization of who I truly am met the balls I decided to finally drop. It actually started on my 26th birthday, when the most outgoing person I know, wished me a happy birthday with “It’s your golden year!” That was a beautiful thing to see, but I was stumped. What the hell is a golden year? After a couple Google searches, I realized she meant because she thought my birthday on the 26th, instead of the 27th, my 26th birthday would be my golden year. Tsk Tsk Sade. But this opened up something in my mind. I’d been miserable for so long even with all the beautiful people I had in my life and the gifts God had given me. I hadn’t been able to find my happy place or realize my own potential. But since this was my 26th, it had stuck in my mind that I had 1 year to prepare for the year that would change my life; Year 27. Sort of like the prep, before you cook, if you will.

First, I knew I had to do some prep work for my “Golden Year.” What was holding me back? Why wasn’t I happy? I was such a timid, sensitive girl, because at this time the only thing that made me a woman, woman as in adult, was that I hadn’t lived with my mother since I was 18.  So, I started laying the ground work for a break through. I’d gone to therapy, prayed, took antidepressants, did yoga, ate clean, and after all this, I couldn’t grasp what “it” was that I didn’t have and so desperately needed. Then this amazing man of mine, being strong minded and completely comfortable in who he is, told me, I did not know who I was. After the initial anger I experienced, because yep, I get pissed when someone tries to tell me something about myself, I was hit with sadness. He was right. Who was I?  For the past 26 years I lived my life not according to who I was, but who I thought I should be. I thought I was great, but my values growing up told me that by making myself big, I made others small. So I stayed small, too afraid to blossom into the person I am meant to be.

But thank God for my man, because he truly had been the strength I needed. He slowly took his time challenging my beliefs about myself, until the day I was strong enough to stand on my own. I experienced little wins in the form of being able to go to the grocery store by myself, catching moment when I didn’t try to analyze if that confused look on someone’s face was because of my outfit or that inappropriate joke I just made, and I opened my bills (and paid them!) before something was about to be turned off. I’d already started expanding and I was so excited, but the lows I felt let me know there was so much more to work on.

Strangely enough, my 27th birthday was spent in a blizzard. I’d never even seen snow before this Christmas! And the entire 12 hour ride home, I was on the edge of my seat, feeling the most excitement I’d felt in years. My mom apologized as we stretched our legs at a truck stop, because since my birthday is so close to Christmas, I hadn’t had what most would consider, a great birthday. Friends were usually out of town with family, everyone was broke, and I hated being the center of attention. But I just smiled and told her it was the best birthday ever. And literally it was, because finally I felt something for more than an hour that wasn’t negative. I felt ALIVE. Realization 1: I enjoy scary shit.

Many more things have involved during this gilded year of mine, and I made this space to share with who ever is searching, the many lessons I’ve learned and the lessons I’ll continue to learn as seconds turn to years. I hope these lessons will open up something amazing in whoever happens to read my rants and if it does, if you don’t share this blog, please share the messages that have helped you grow and bloom into who you were meant to be.

 

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